Strategies for Parents When Working With Non-Compliant Children

What Can I Do To Help My Non-Compliant Child?

At one time or another, we have all worked with a non-compliant child.  After all, non-compliance represents a problem for parents as well as teachers.  Statistics show that children typically disobey 20% to 40% of parental requests and commands. (Forehand, 1977)  Literature has typically focused on how to change the behavior of the child, but what about our behaviors as parents and teachers?  Should we not examine our own roles towards the subject?  Absolutely.

            Whether or not a child complies with an adult directive has to do with the command that is given by the adult.  The delivery of the command has as much to do with how the command is framed and delivered as it does with the consequences, or lack of them, that follow the delivery. (Maag, 1997)

            There are two types of commands that parents and teachers can give: alpha commands and beta commands.  Alpha commands are clear, direct, and specific.  There are few verbalizations and a reasonable time is given for the child to comply.  Beta commands are vague, overly wordy, and often contain multiple instructions that can confuse the child.

            Here are five strategies to examine when working with a non-compliant child:

1. Environment:  Is the behavior happening at the same time, same place?
2. Context:  What is the underlying meaning of the problematic behavior?  The “Real” Problem?
3. Open-mindedness:  You have more knowledge than your kids when it comes to dealing with problems.  Explore all your options and gather all the facts.  Then, decide an appropriate and reasonable punishment.  The most important key to this strategy is this:  If what you are doing is not working, you should try something else.  Anything else! 
4. Stay calm and stress free:  When adults are under stress, they tend to revert back to old habits, whether they work or not.  Do not restrict yourself, but remain creative and flexible.
5. Join their frame of reference:  Try not to make your child fit into your concept of how things should be, but join them and learn to join in their ways of thinking.  (Develop a happy medium)  No two people are the same.  Some believe that children’s perceptions are as unique as their thumbprints, no two are alike.  (Ericson, 1962)

***The information from this article was presented by Dr. John Maag (Associate Professor at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln) at the Midwest Symposium for Leadership in Behavior Disorders workshop held in Kansas City, Missouri in February, 2008.  If you would like to learn more about these and other strategies, you may want to consider purchasing Parenting Without Punishment: Making Problem Behavior Work for You by John W. Maag, PhD.